Richmond Tour de Tacky Light Tour

The word had gone out earlier for folks to assemble on December 12th at ReCycles for the Tour de Tacky and a prompt ride departure at 6:00 pm was pronounced…yea right, prompt, sure. A mixed crowd of serious riders, a few (very) casual cyclists who hadn’t ridden in a while to racers mounting beater fixies to Rivendell’s Atlantis made of the “Tour”. Bicycle lighting ranged from the truly tacky and overdone light bikes to a few folks who forgot that you need lights to be legal at night.



Somewhere around 6:20 a group of about 21 hit Cary Street heading east for the James Center and the lights of downtown office buildings. We started lightening the posse right away with a double flat on a knobby tired mountain bike; the rider grumbling something about screw it and I’m walking home. The group finally reassembled at the Turning Basin at the James Center Plaza and then headed toward Libby Hill, the next stop.



We crossed 12th Street about a block past the James Center and headed down the hill through Shockoe Slip. One rider on a souped up coaster braked bike promptly did the most incredible imitation of Pee Wee Herman complete with sound effects of Pee Wee screams riding the entire length of the Slip on cobble stone paved street with his hands in the air weaving between the cars stuck in traffic. If I only had a video camera…I think the sight of this helmetless Pee Wee imitator riding no hands was enough to scare off a few more of the more conservative riders because the ranks had thinned by the time we reached Shockoe Bottom.

At the base of Church Hill we had debated cutting up 23rd Street, the steep cobblestone paved hill climb that Tour de Pont used to hit at some unfathomable pace but the thought lead to screams of pain the fixie folks. So we cut up the hill just past Poe’s Pub to catch a chained off cobblestone street up to Libby Hill. I was going pretty good until I hit the area paved with yellow leaves and promptly spun out. Never knew gingko leaves were so slick. At least I wasn’t the first or the last to bite it on the climb and I didn’t go down to kiss stone.

At the top we ran into the famous Ralph White who appeared to have brought under control an “illegal” fire left by the revelers had been watching the Parade of Lights which consists of the rich folks who decorated their boats and drove them up the river. Our noisy assent may have scared off the revelers but it may have been for the best. Seems our prompt departure and blazing speed had caused us to miss the boats…well there’s next year and with all the tax cuts they’ll have bigger boats for us to watch. There was already talk of a beverage stop and a debate as to the best location for liquids which was miles short the planned first stop.

The decision was made…Ipanema’s. The peloton headed north through Church Hill and cut over past Jumpin’ Java’s Coffee House (now securely in lock down) toward the Martin Luther King Bridge and Leigh Street. This section of the ride was relatively flat and uneventful and at Adams we zigged over to Grace Street and followed it west to Ipanema’s.

So we rolled in and locked up, and were down to about a dozen folks with only about seven miles completed. Ipanema’s didn’t have any stouts I was interested in so a Brooklyn Brown would have to do. There was a fairly rowdy discussion regarding veganism and sex, the details of which are not the subject of this ride report. The ride leader managed to push this herd of cats out the door before too much damage was done by the alcohol. A big plus is that Ipanema’s is no smoking until something like 9:00 pm…no bad at all…

The plan at this point was to head west on Grove, see a few lights and end up at the original first stop, a place named Freckles. By the time we hit Libby we had shed a few more riders and were down to about six. I think it was the blazing pace set to get to the truly tacky lights of the near west end. I know at one point I looked down and we had broken 16 mph not kph, that’s mph! Freckles was closed so the reminder of the riders decided a Fan bar would have to do so we headed back eastward. As we cranked back another of the fearless six peeled off and once we hit the front door to the Taphouse two more bailed. That left only three intrepid soles to “complete” the ride and partake in the delicious seasonal stout like offerings…no problem…until next year…